I was just standing in the ocean, stirred up peligrosa waves crashing into my legs and stealing the sand from beneath my feet. I was looking out over the dark endless sea, then up at the metric fuckton (that’s a real measurement, I swear) of stars. And I was thinking… maybe it’s because he’s unattainable, maybe that’s what I am attracted to because it’s safe because it won’t happen (but there’s a slim chance it might one day). But I am thinking that there is this man that I am quite smitten with. He’s on the other side of the country where I am now (or are we even in the same country?). He’s near Tikal in Flores. I wonder if he’s thinking of me. I kinda hope he is. I wonder if “you’ll be missed” is said to everyone. I wonder if he kisses everyone is our group goodbye. On the lips. Or is it just an “Argentinian thing.” I wonder if I affected him too. I wish we’d met at a different time or with different strings attached. He’s terribly attractive. And smart. And sensitive. And likes things I do. And reads. And learns. And fuck.
I need to find someone I want who I can have.